my religion.

I am my mother and father’s son. There is no doubt about that. Unless of course my mom had sex with another man, which she has been accused of by my father’s family. As a result, I have been engrained with (some) values that my parents preached, not all are practiced by them. I grew up in a family where we were allowed to worship our religion freely. My father is not religious. He repeatedly said that.  My mother attempts to portray a complicated, often contrasting, religious façade. We grew up with images of La Virgen decorating every wall of our home. We have some icons of other culturally Chicano/Mexican religious icons – El Santo Nino de Atocha, for example. But my parents never forced a specific practice upon us. In fact, the punishment my brothers and I received for misbehaving was a prayer. My mom would make us to pray to La Virgen and ask her to forgive us for being bad children. It was not a praying culture. Religion was used to scare us into behaving.

When my parents brought us to the United States, they understood that we would be living in a more “secular” society, were religion was not going to be pushed upon us. They knew that our formal schooling would not revolve around a religious idea. And they were okay with that. They always taught us to respect other people and their different religious views. The only people that irked my parents were those that were trying to push their religious beliefs onto us.

Both my parents disapprove of the religious institutions. Them stealing off poor peoples’ money, their role in colonization, the frequent child abuse scandals, etc. While my dad completely ignored the church as an institution, my mom went to Church every Sunday to fulfill her role as a devoured follower of Christ and La Virgen. I don’t even know what she would think about when the priest was preaching his things. I think she was more occupied trying to keep us shut, awake, or from fighting with each other. Her obsession with going to Church is more as a result of trying to portray a good image, rather than actually following the Church’s orders.

So yes, I grew up differently. My understanding of religion in ones’ live differes than the hardcore Christians. I cannot imagine what it would be like if both of my parents were super religious. It would be hard to imagine what that would be like, since all of my brothers are agnostic/atheist/non-practicing Catholics. 

I really came to this conclusion on my own though.

I was very involved in the local church throughout high school. I was first involved in my first communion classes, which lasted two years. Then became a student leader for the remaining two years of high school. I tried. Trust me.

But understanding that my queer identity was in often conflict with the Catholic dogma. How could I often try and teach about this religion and remain silent about my own self. It made no sense. It only made sense that I leave. I could not consciously stay there, knowing they did not want me there.

And this is what I continue to struggle with. I love La Virgen, and what she has thought of us. The brown folk re-created Tonantzin into La Virgen, as an avenue to still support their own beliefs in the name of staying alive. Similarly, we have recreated a queer Virgen to take care of us.

So no, I don’t hate you. Hate your Jesus or your Mary. I hate that you have access to her. A her that looks and feels and loves like you.