At the risk of looking like a fool, or unconsciously loosing ties to the few people who do not understand me. I feel like I can no longer further repress a lot of sentiments embedded within myself. These last couple of days I have been skirmishing myself for strength. Though the quarter has been coming to an end, I felt like I failed to do something. There was an intolerable pain in my chest that I yearned to rid of. But that pain was not physical, not even mental. It’s strange. My inability to speak about a soul, a spirit, aches my heart because it suggests a split. A divide between soul and self. My soul is crying. And I, loosing myself.
I know why I have been very afraid of my own voice.
Because I am afraid of my own power.
The power to write, to speak, to hear my thoughts come to words and to actions.
The fear of my potential.
Because everyone has doubted in me.
Including myself.
I am tired. I am not sure were this is heading. But, I have an inclination to write. I write with no direction. That is how I feel. Lost and clueless. I need more than a slap into reality. I need to re-find myself. This academic year has been a struggle. I kept ignoring the symptoms. I assumed if I did not pay attention, then I did not have to deal with them.
My brother needs me, and I am stuck at a meeting defending my integrity.
My mom is crying and I am volunteering at a conference.
My dad is working most of the day, and I am spending my money carelessly.
My grandma is dying of hunger, and I keep throwing food away.
My closest friends keep calling me, but I have replaced them for people I do not understand.
I am not who I want to be. I am not what I ever thought I would become.
I am letting go of myself for something that is not worth it.
This is difficult. Finding the words to best match how I am currently feeling. It’s strange – surfing through my lexicon, searching in thesauruses, stumbling upon the perfect word. Together, these words create sentences that follow a specific logic to complement my thoughts. But I challenge, daily, the formation of these sentences. Challenge, in essence, the structure of my life. This is how I have been feeling lately. Stuck, unable to breathe for a very long time.
Suffocating in my thoughts because I have lost a lot of faith. And now, I am crying.
I need to close this the proper way. I promise to search. Look for what is missing. It’s simple. The answer, that is. Busca en el amor lo que no tienes en la mente.
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