Find Your Balance

Find Your Balance

I just found my balance by eating some amazing sandwhich  from Kauai, a sandwhich place at the Durban airport. Our camera has died, so I can’t take any pictures.

Oh, and we’re off!

UCLA, or whoever planned this trip specifically, has reserved a huge bus for all of us.  Theres maybe 30 of us in this trip, and the bus fits twice the size. Thus, there are lots of open seats and many of the two people seats are occupied by solely one person. I don’t know what I am trying to get across by noting this, but I figured it was something worth mentioning.

So back to the really good sandwhich. I got a TexMex sandwich, and yeah I am nostalgic for some good Mexican food. It didn’t remind me of home but it allowed my soul to mentally be closer to my mom’s spirit. I miss her. I called her earlier today and she got scared because it is late time in the States. She sounded worried for me. It always re-assures me to know she cares. I know she does, but sometimes I forget. Or choose to forget. I get caught up with so many other things, and though its not an excuse, I have used it to justify our distance. You know, her and I were close once. I like to brag that I was her favorite, though she always denies having a favorite. But I was really close to her. I would argue, the closest. But that was before I came out. My coming out process really tore us apart. She took it the hardest. My dad was not so difficult to understand. Actually, I think coming out brought me and my dad together. Not to say that he and I now talk about everything, but the fact that he was supportive was super nurturing. I miss him too.  A lot.

Dang, this trip has made me come to some of the more difficult things. Things I was not expecting to realize. That perhaps all this time, I have had some difficult priorities. I would always put my “activism” (read: organizations) before my family. I’m start to think I was wrong. Because even though I have made a few amazing friends through our collective organizational activism, it’s nothing compared to the love that my family has given me. I guess, I always knew this. But I just never really wanted to admit it. Blah blah blah, a lot of people don’t understand third world feminism, or womyn of color feminism. They don’t know what nurturing means. Yeah im applying a cultural essentialism framework, but it makes me feel good. It makes me feel warm. Because, my family and I are not post-modern. We are modern. We are the today. And the today is love. It’s about real love for my family.

But there is a dark side to my family. A family with a lot of pain, and no one is willing to take the active steps to begin healing. No, not of child abuse. But we all mentally challenge eachother. Me and my mom, my younger brother and my dad, my oldest brother and my other brother, etc. etc. it’s a fight of who can win this mental challenge. I chose to flee. And here I am, full circle. Realizing that I need them today.