Karma

Karma

He is leading me on, the same way I lead him on. I don’t know if I have yet learned my lesson. But I am understanding that the feelings that are being displayed in South Africa, I am starting to realize, are a result of my leading someone else on. Therefore, I feel like I am being led on now, knowing that nothing is going to happen.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I am sitting in bed right now listening to all this “I love you” music that I recently uploaded to my itunes. As I was listening to the lyrics and kept thinking about specific people, I remembered that I got this music from someone who I am responsible for breaking his heart.

Now, I am not utterly heart broken. I think I am disappointed in myself for allowing my hopes to be unjustifiably high, when I should have known better. Its hard. You know? Sometimes these types of things just happen. And we should always be listening to the clues that people give us, but also to the cues that the Universe is sending us. There are some crazy explanations for some things, not all of course. Reasons we will never understand. But things we should allow to have an open mind to.

I miss being philosophical with love. But, I have been punishing myself for a long time. I think I need to start being bold and taking chances. Even when those chances seem too impossible. Be bold in your actions, Luis, and you will not be disappointing.

I keep thinking about my spontaneous trip to Cabo San Lucas last summer. It was mid-August, and I had to jump on the plane because my life was going ridiculously crazy. I could not handle it. I regret a lot of the things I did. Like call an hour before my scheduled departure and asked him if he wanted me to stay that I would. How pathetic I was. But like I have later realized, all these uncontrolled emotions are a result of some difficult places.

But enough about that, maybe I should write about how beautiful Cabo was, and how St. Lucia reminded me of Cabo in so many ways. Except how I could communicate well with most people in Cabo, I was able to eat all the tacos I wanted, and I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted. Anyways, now I am just venting because I have the power to do so.

Back to this Karma thing. Oh yeah, I have the power to do whatever I want with my life. Well not really, there are institutions that control the abilities and chances of folk, specially queer folk of color. I do have the power to resist and challenge those expectations, however. And I think I am doing a semi-successful job. I just need to use next year as an opportunity of not looking back and just going all out. It’s now or never!