Aug 21

Its 3 in the morning and I cannot stop thinking about him. This part of my growth and development. My fear, and insecurity—to let go.

This guy I met, and we hunt out for a while. He said something that kept me thinking about my own unwillingness to be intimate with another person. He said, he could not see himself bottoming until he saw himself ready to give himself to someone. Perhaps, I close up, and refuse to let anyone in, to violate my space for deeper reasons. One, I’ve only really bottomed for one person – but I loved him. Moreover, the first person that I bottomed for, it was against my own will.

There is a hurt and pain in my head – because I’ve never been able to call it rape. But I believe it’s a symptom of my own unwillingness to see myself a victim, to see myself actually raped. I let him. I was the one who was willingly there at his place. I said no the first two times, but the last time, the third time he asked me. I stayed silent. It wasn’t because I wanted to, but because I was scared. how would I get back home? What would I tell my mom. He broke me. He tore me. I still remember the pain. He was inside of me, against my own will. I told him to stop, but he insisted on another position. I snuck out of the house to go with him. He said we would go to starbucks and talk. I was upset. Scared. at myself.

And here I am. Unwilling to show love, to anyone else.

The first person inside of me raped me. The second one left me. I tense up. Memories roam, and I fall. I have not healed. I have not been able to forgive, ultimately myself. No. I didn’t let him go. No, it was not my fault.

I will always love him. But I got carried away. I let it all go.

I need to stop blaming myself for it all, and just take proactive steps to re-assemble.

There’s a history of rape in my family. my younger brother, the one who is also gay, was raped in a park by a man they never found. I knew something was wrong, I could feel it inside of me. I called home, but no one answered. I left in a hurry. I got home to an empty house. Everyone was at the police station.

He was silent. Worse than I had ever seen him.

We share a special bond, he does not even know it.

He was traumatized at my own coming out experience. He witnessed the emotional and mental abuse. Not only did he witness it, he also suffered it.

I need to heal then go back. I need to be emotionally strong. I need to be okay with these thoughts and feelings. I am in a vulnerable position right now.