i called this betrayel

May 15, 2005:

A true friend is someone who sticks with you, honors, respects, and admires you. Will it be possible that someone who has always cared for everyone and has respected everyone's believes, be very miserable? Of course, you hear it from everyone. My life is such a bitch, this and that, blah blah and more blah. Well all that blah can mean something, and if a friend paid some kind of attention, wouldnt they realize that you're suffering. Probably by now, you might have seen this useless and probably closed the window, so am i writing to those poeple who have no life and read everything, or am i actually writing this to those who trully care? Well back to the topic, betrayal. Ha, im soo funny with betrayal. I just wrote an essay about it, and now im writing a blog, next might as well a book. Who knows, i probably would be able to from all the situations in my life that i have experienced betrayal. I mea some of them idiots may be reading this and laughing at it, others would be like "whoa, he feels that way," thus i do feel that way. My only way out of this is music, but how much can music take me? To another realm where creativity and freedom is the only rule. No. I feel like after all those times, after all those long nights of helping others, after taking one less breath of air, cuz i was saving it for those who need it the most. And look where I am at now? No where farther from where i started. Probably one or two steps. While, other people [bigger, meaner, HOT] people have traveled a mile or two. LoL. Hate, Rage, Blame, Love, Honor, Respect. So much in common, so much in me. I love, i hnor, i respect. What do i get in return, hate, rage, and blame. I try to laugh, and i cough out blood. I try to smile, and i get a frown. I cry for happines but i get tears of blood. Blood pouring down my cheeks, not a sock but a burden. A burden of hate. A burden of ignorance, that i have to carry from others. I mean, well you know what i mean. And now, this is how much i have? Just this? Just this one piece of love from some one standing not even in reality but in my dreams. My only warmth my only true friends. How many times, have i asked for help and received alot? None, how many times have they asked for help and recieved alot? Always. Well, i havent put much feeling into this, but all i can say, sufference is inside, reality is outside. Hell condemns those that follow, Heaven accepts those that lead. Have i lead or followed? Have i made my own decissions? Nope. Has hell offered its flames to me? Or have those, who criticize with out knowing, those who judge with out accepting inivted me to the judgments of hell. THose who hate me, with out caring. Those who make me cry day after day upon night. Those who provoke me to wet my pillow. THose who shed my salty tears into my mouth. Or am I just another experiment of those who have not much to do but to harm others, while they please themselves. How can i expriess my feelings inside this tormented heart? This heart, full of pieces, shaderred glass. What indiference does it make? Just accept the fact you can careless what i feel. U can careless, when they torment me and you careless, because you continue to go along with it. Fuck it! you'll REGRET It. *peace, and hope you're there to see yourself suffer*