i called this "why"

September 24, 2005:

Well, many of you people question who i am, what i am, where i am, what i ment to do in life? i am sure you, otherwise you wouldnt be human. As humans we are given a mind to think and develop ideas some shameful, others exciting. But im sure, many of you question who i am, why i act the way, or why i talk the way, or why i am full of it...right? right! well through my own time of self-development and understanding, i did realize one important factor in my life. i am, the way i am because of my insecurity. i guess, i say that becuase while growing up in life thers the a stage called the anal stage, and that is when you completly start to develop who you are,  at a young age and determines pretty much your future personality, style, etc. Through my own personal experience, that i have gone through because of the environment i was living in, my insecurity stayed with me. For example, no dad while growing up. Who did i have to look after? my mom?! of course. that is why i am a big mommy's boy, becuase my mom has always been there for me regardless of the time and situation. But i guess i developed into this kinder person, that has no idea what he is talking about most of the time, becuase i had no "father-like figure" to put a stop at my childness, thereore i constantly talk about anything to anyone that i trust. i am blinded by my own trust, and the trust i have for others. as soon as i feel so close that i can just trust you, i try to tell you as much as i possibly can about my life, sometimes people cant take it; but i dont knwo any better thats the way i am because im thinking that i can trust you. however, i over-expose myself to others quickly and then i have no were to turn once im all done for. im still stuck in the stage of life, where i have no idea where i am going. like this blog, what does it really mean? gosh its soo indirectional and has no meaning. no meaning to those who dont get me, those who have no clue what i am speaking about. and why is that? many dont take the time to understand me, they take the time to know me- but not understand me. Its so confuzing, and i am glad i get it myself, becuase there will never be anyone in this world, human enough to completely understand me but they will be willing to take that time, yet it will never happen. Its like, if i dont understand myself, how can someone else do. That is what i am working for, and on doing. Not developing a skill to underestimate others, but to underestimate myself, and follow through with what is set for me. A pond of rocks is not as hard as you may think, unless you take the time to understand that it is just as soft as the cloud harder than the rock.
God bless you all for reading and taking such time.